Worn Thin: The Emotional Cost of Doing What You Love
In this episode of Psychologically Speaking, Leila Ainge delves into the theme of tiredness, exploring its various forms and the impact it has on our lives. She discusses the emotional, social, creative, spiritual, physical, and mental aspects of tiredness, emphasizing the importance of understanding these different types to prevent burnout. Leila also highlights the significance of making intentional decisions and the role of rest in maintaining a fulfilling life. Through personal anecdotes and psychological insights, she encourages listeners to reflect on their own experiences with tiredness and to prioritize self-care and self-compassion.
takeaways
- Tiredness can stem from various sources, not just physical exhaustion.
- Emotional tiredness often arises from holding space for others and people-pleasing.
- Social tiredness can be exacerbated by overstimulation and group dynamics.
- Creative tiredness is common among those in creative roles or entrepreneurship.
- Spiritual tiredness relates to a loss of meaning or connection to purpose.
- Physical tiredness is often linked to disrupted sleep and illness.
- Mental tiredness can result from decision fatigue and overthinking.
- Rest is essential for maintaining energy and preventing burnout.
- Self-compassion can help us face our tiredness without the need to fix it immediately.
- Making intentional decisions can help manage the mental load we carry.
tiredness, human behavior, psychology, emotional exhaustion, mental fatigue, decision making, self-compassion, entrepreneurship, identity, rest
Transcript
Hello and welcome back to Psychologically Speaking.
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:I'm Leila Ainge and this is a podcast all about human behaviour, bringing together
fascinating research insights and real life experiences.
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:As a psychologist, I'm going to share how the spaces we live and work in shape here we
are.
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:And this is season two and episode 10 and overall the 24th episode I've recorded of
Psychologically Speaking.
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:So welcome.
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:After a little break, I'm popping back into your ears with a biscuit tin in hand and a
topic that feels especially close right now.
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:Tiredness.
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:It's been a full and nourishing week.
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:I spent some time supporting a student-led event on campus on Monday, which involved seeds
and soil.
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:So, you know, I was so happy because I love gardening, but I also attended a brilliant
seminar.
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:on creating neurodiverse friendly campuses.
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:And I hosted a session, our Psych at the Mic event in Nottingham for the British
Psychological Society.
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:I got to chat with fellow psychologists and psychology students, and I've also squeezed in
a bit of CPD this week, learning how to approach systematic reviews.
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:So basically that's just a big structured deep dive into everything that's ever been
researched or published on a specific subject.
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:and lots of us PhD researchers start there.
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:It helps us to zoom in and zoom out without clutter or noise.
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:So it's been the kind of week that really has filled me up but one that could quietly
deplete my reserves.
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:So this episode is part of our season theme where we've been diving into the fascinating
gap between intentions and actions.
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:a liminal space where plans meet spontaneity.
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:And today I want to explore what happens when you actually know what matters to you.
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:You've got that clarity, you've got the focus, but you're just tired from taking all of
the action.
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:And maybe you're in that space right now, not burned out, not unwell, but worn thin.
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:And you're doing things that you care about.
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:You're showing up, you're making progress, but...
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:perhaps somewhere along the way your energy is draining out of the sides a bit like a
colander.
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:I know that space because I'm just taking stock that that's where I am right now.
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:So I've been tired, but okay, not too tired, not burnt out, but not from one big thing,
but from, I suppose a lot of little things, a buildup of...
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:lots of different actions and one metaphor that came to mind was wearing too many hats as
you might say and perhaps that I'm saying too many yes's and if I bring this back to
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:psychology it's switching between lots of different roles so I've got paid work, PhD
research, I'm a volunteer, I facilitate sessions, I'm a mum, a wife, a friend, I'm a
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:runner, I'm a bit of a gardener as well.
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:And each one of these things feels really right.
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:None of them feel wrong, but together they're getting a bit heavy.
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:And this isn't just about time management or needing a better calendar.
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:It's emotional.
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:It's identity-based and it's what psychology calls code switching or identity work.
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:So that constantly shifting how we show up or...
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:depending on who we're with and what's expected and how safe or seen we feel.
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:It kind of draws on social identity theory.
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:And if you remember, we explored this in season one of the podcast.
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:It's the idea that we define ourselves through the groups that we belong to.
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:In my imposter phenomenon research, we saw how women were able to navigate through a
really
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:busy
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:So that shifting between spaces where we either feel seen or not seen can also have us
feeling a little bit exhausted.
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:We also touched in season one on this idea of self categorization theory, which shows that
our sense of people like us or being around people like us can be really empowering in the
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:right context.
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:So if you do identify with a certain group,
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:spending time with that group can be energising or it can be depleting if we constantly
feel like we have to adapt to belong.
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:So quite a lot of studies have explored the context of what we call this kind of switching
and this impression management and showing that that identity strain if you like is linked
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:to an emotional exhaustion especially in minoritised or
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:marginalised groups.
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:suppose the complexities of having a business, entrepreneurship, freelancing and the
energy of cost of managing multiple social identities starts to become clearer in how that
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:works.
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:If look at my subject area that I'm really interested in researching, is entrepreneurship
and freelancing.
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:And I'm quite interested in that and reading all of the research that I can and bringing
that into a systematic review.
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:But one of the things that I'm finding quite interesting about literature is the way that
different people are characterizing and defining entrepreneurship and freelancers
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:different things.
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:One thing I really liked is this idea that being an entrepreneur isn't just about doing a
role, it's about building and becoming and it's about constantly evolving as an
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:individual.
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:I really like that.
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:think when I spoke to women entrepreneurs as part of the imposter phenomenon research,
idea that these identities were created and evolved over time really rang true.
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:So this meaning of becoming doesn't mean entrepreneurship or owning a business is
something that we just do.
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:It's something that we're always becoming, we're always working on.
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:And it sounds beautiful, but it also means then that there's no off switch.
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:And I think this will relate because that separation between personal and professional
identity becomes tricky.
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:Especially when we're also navigating other roles and other social expectations, that
ongoing construction becomes really layered and complex.
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:And when we think about layered experiences and complex stuff, we start to think about
being tired.
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:Before we go any further, I want to invite you to join me for something really fulfilling.
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:I've joked for a while now that I definitely need an adult inset day, especially after the
schools go back.
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:A space to pause, recalibrate and make that quiet shift from one role to another.
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:Parent, professional, creative caregiver, we wear so many hats, often in the same hour.
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:And all that switching, as we've talked about, can be
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:quietly exhausting.
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:So social identity theory reminds us that we adapt to who we are depending on the group
we're in and even when those roles are fulfilling the transitions can still take a bit of
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:a toll.
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:So on April the 22nd after Easter I'm offering a half an hour adult inset session.
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:It's from one o'clock till 1.30 and it's a gentle way to come back to yourself.
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:We're going to be exploring imposter phenomenon.
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:I love this subject, you know I do, and through a psychological lens, but also through
self-compassion and some practical tools.
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:And if the timing doesn't work for you, still sign up because it's going to be available
to watch later on YouTube.
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:You can find all the details at my website, which is www.leilaainge.co.uk.
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:I'd love for you to join me.
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:So let's take a moment then to think about this type of tiredness that comes from
constantly shifting and switching between all of the roles that we have because not all
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:fatigue or tiredness is the same and not all rest is created equal.
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:There's a psychologist who has identified seven types of rest.
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:I think this was Dr.
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:Dalton Smith and
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:I think they're quite interesting to look at in terms of mapping onto the type of
tiredness many of us feel.
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:So for each one I'm going to offer you a question to ask yourself and perhaps a research
back suggestion on what might help.
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:So the first one is emotional tiredness and this one can come in lots of different forms.
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:It can look like holding space for others, making feelings, masking feelings sorry and
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:perhaps people pleasing.
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:So one thing you might ask yourself is who can I speak to without performing or
explaining?
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:And we know that what helps here is emotional expression or co-regulation.
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:So one of the things that you could do there is think about the spaces where you can
co-work or co-regulate with other people that don't involve you having to be something
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:that you're striving to be.
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:Maybe you can sit with who you are at this point in time.
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:The second type of tiredness, and then goes from emotional to social.
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:And this one is around overstimulation, know, group dynamics and just being around other
people can be a lot for anyone.
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:But typically for people who have got different neuro types, it can be more or less
demanding on our social tiredness.
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:So we know that what helps here is building an intentional time.
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:with people who, you know, build us up and don't drain us.
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:But we also know that sensory tiredness as well comes into this.
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:So things like screen times and noise and clutter.
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:So when we're thinking about either whether we've got social or sensory tiredness, it's
useful to think about, have I had enough time on my own today?
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:And when did I last step away from screens or noise?
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:We know that reducing a bit of input can be really helpful and spending time in nature is
a great way to actually ground ourselves.
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:So I like to go and spend some time in my garden.
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:Recently we've put more bird feeders out, so I'm really enjoying watching robins at the
moment building all of their nests.
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:The next type of tiredness is a creative tiredness.
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:And I think this one will really resonate if you have your own business or if you're in a
creative role, because you are constantly solving problems, innovating and making content.
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:And perhaps a good question to ask here is when did I last enjoy doing something without
needing to produce anything?
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:And it can feel...
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:I think when you have a business, when your art or your creativity spills over into paid
work, especially if you're freelancing, that you need to make everything count, that
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:everything has a check and a balance against it.
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:But perhaps we need to step back into the idea that playfulness actually is energising.
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:And we know that to have awe and joy in the world is to just do something without any
sense of...
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:output.
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:I think when I look back to how I rediscovered my joy of running earlier this year, I had
to just remove quite a lot of expectations for myself about, you know, how far I could
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:run, how long I could run for, everything I'd achieved in the past.
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:I had to just be there in the moment and doing the steps and starting to just enjoy it for
what it was again.
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:So if you're creative person, that creative tiveness is definitely a thing.
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:although you'll probably see it in different areas of your life as well.
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:Then there's something which is turned a spiritual tiredness and this one is around maybe
a loss of meaning, direction or connection.
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:So the question you could ask yourself at that point is what connects me to purpose right
now and reconnecting with your values.
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:is a really helpful thing to do.
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:Perhaps there some rituals or small acts of meaning that you have in your life, whether
that is more towards the spiritual side or just like a daily ritual or routine you have
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:around enjoying a cup of coffee in your favourite mug.
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:And then you've got physical tiredness.
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:I think this is the tiredness that most of us can relate to because work is physical.
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:illness if you've got children and disrupted sleep.
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:I mean these things just go hand in hand don't they.
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:A really good question to ask there is have I moved my body today because it's this really
counterintuitive idea that when we feel so tired actually movement is a very good thing
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:for us that rest and gentle movement walking stretching is is really identified as good
thing to do.
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:And then you've got mental tiredness.
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:And this is the one that I really want to spend some time on today because it's a really
curious one.
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:So mental tiredness, we tend to conceptualize, certainly in psychology, as coming from
lots of decision making, problem solving, you might even think about it in terms of
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:overthinking or ruminative thoughts or anxiety.
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:I suppose the reason it's so curious is because when we think about mental tiredness, a
lot of the research tends to think about this idea of something called ego depletion.
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:And that's not saying we've all got massive egos, but that decision making wears us out.
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:So having to make lots and lots of decisions.
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:And this phrase, the mental load that comes with motherhood and owning a business, tends
to lean into this because
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:we tend to think, God, I've just got so many decisions to make, I have to do the thinking
and that's tied us in itself.
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:So a lot of the recent research tends to talk about how can you simplify things?
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:How can you put automatic stuff in?
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:From Steve Jobs, who famously wore the same outfit every day, to people who plan their
meals in a head.
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:So to reduce that decision fatigue.
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:And we all thought that that was probably a good thing to do because
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:we worried that being mentally fatigued might lead to adverse outcomes.
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:So that idea of simplifying decisions and reducing friction is one about bringing
everything back to your values, your aligned choices, that kind of stuff.
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:And I love the idea of what Kristin Neff says here, because she says that self-compassion
gives us the strength to face
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:the truth of our tiredness without needing to fix it immediately.
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:And this is really interesting because a recent bit of research started looking at mental
fatigue and it started saying this decision fatigue that we think that we've got, what is
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:it and how has it defined and actually does it lead to adverse outcomes?
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:And one area that the researchers were able to go and look at this in a
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:an applied setting if you like, is with nurses.
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:They make lots of decisions all day, every day and so they started thinking about how can
we see what the impact is on nurses who have to make loads of decisions during the day.
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:Do they make poorer decisions towards the end of a shift for example.
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:So this was really interesting research.
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:And they didn't find strong evidence, at least not in that clinical setting with nurses,
that they experienced what we know as this kind of decision fatigue.
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:So this idea then that we have a mental load which could be detrimental to us, this latest
research starts to make us question that, doesn't it?
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:It's quite curious.
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:I'm interested to see where this goes.
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:And we know that obviously when we're tired our brain copes by defaulting to habits,
routines or avoidance.
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:Perhaps for those nurses it's defaulting to their training, to well rehearsed ways of
making decisions or perhaps there's something about the structure in the way that their
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:workplaces that allows them to make lots of decisions successively.
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:But I thought it was useful to mention that today because when we start to think about
mental fatigue
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:The obvious thing seems to be in a lot of coaching spaces is to suggest what can you
automate, what can you simplify?
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:But perhaps we need to just sit with the fact that we are capable of having lots of
decisions to make and perhaps that mental tiredness is helpful in a way.
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:So here's something I've been thinking about, because if tiredness isn't a reason to avoid
decisions, perhaps it's a reason to make a few good ones.
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:So leaning on that research that says, actually, we can continue to make lots of decisions
even when we're tired.
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:Perhaps then it's thinking about, right, what decisions shall I make if I'm feeling tired?
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:And there's something radical that I think I'm going to make around
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:volunteering, not immediately, but very intentionally.
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:So for the first time in over 20 years, I'm going to start not saying yes to the things I
used to take on automatically.
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:And this is going to be hugely radical for me because I sit with volunteering as a huge
part of my identity actually.
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:And my husband's not
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:convinced I'll make it through my PhD without taking on a new volunteer role by the way.
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:But I know I have a regular listener and friend, an entrepreneur who might be chuckling at
this point too, because they have looked after Affiliator for years, run it as a
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:successful business on the side of their day job, held down a senior leadership role and
recently been involved in a parliamentary campaign.
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:And it's just this radical idea that women do.
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:so much brilliant but unpaid work and so what if I stopped doing so much unpaid work?
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:Volunteering is just a huge part of who I am and like my friend from chairing the Women's
Manchester Pride in the early:
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:during Covid and I'm going to add what was I thinking at that point but also being
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:the chair of a committee, and then on my current role, I'm supporting the British
Psychological Society local branch.
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:But when I take stock of all of these hats I'm wearing, the podcast, which I love doing
this podcast, the PhD, which I'm really enjoying at the moment, running, which brings
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:wellbeing benefits and gardening as well.
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:And then the coaching and workshops that I want to do in a paid way.
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:I want to make sure that I'm full, but not overwhelmed, just fulfilled.
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:And I'm going to fiercely protect that as best as I can moving forward.
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:Perhaps you can help, you know, if you see me taking on anything new that isn't paid, just
call me out.
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:My husband will definitely thank you.
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:So let's take a breath and check in.
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:There's a lot of information on today's session.
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:I'm just going to review what those different kinds of fatigue were, because I think
they're quite interesting when we think about them.
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:So we talked about, didn't we?
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:We talked about emotional tiredness, and that's one where perhaps where can't we be
ourselves?
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:We talked about social tiredness, and I've definitely had that this week.
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:I've been in lots of different spaces, which has been wonderful, but...
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:Next week needs to be less busy.
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:Sensory tiredness, so how can we move ourselves from screens to nature?
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:Creative tiredness, the idea that we can just do something for joy and we don't have to
make it pay.
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:And then we've got spiritual tiredness when we've lost a meaning or direction or
connection.
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:Maybe we can look back at what our values are to help us there and physical tiredness.
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:And then obviously we looked at mental tiredness and this idea that decision fatigue might
not be the bad thing we think it is.
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:So what kind of tiredness are you feeling right now?
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:And you might think about those different areas.
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:But my question to you is what's one decision then that you could make that would bring
more ease?
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:And what are you still carrying that nobody sees?
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:I think just noticing these things is enough.
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:You don't need to fix anything.
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:But spending a little bit of time to think about the different types of tiredness and how
they show up.
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:might prevent you from going from feeling fulfilled to burned out for example.
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:So some of the ways, just to recap in the way that you might lighten that load, is to
simplify things.
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:We know that having gentle defaults around our life is helpful.
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:I think those no decision zones that are often talked about can be quite helpful as well,
around if you notice that you've gone from being...
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:busy to overtired is then saying am I in a good place to make decisions or do I need to
make decisions that are more intentional.
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:Taking breaks, sensory breaks, I think every adult benefits from taking a sensory break
every now and then and practicing that self-compassion when tiredness does show up.
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:I suppose the final thing for me here is that tiredness doesn't necessarily mean
something's wrong.
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:I think we have to be tired if we're deeply in work that we love and enjoy and making
progress.
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:I think there is a tiredness that will result.
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:We're expending energy and that energy isn't finite.
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:But if we think about energy sitting in a cup, we do need to refill that cup every now and
then.
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:So if you're feeling worn thin, as I'm describing it,
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:but doing work that you care about, I suppose, takes some heart in the fact that rest is
also part of that becoming process we talked about as being an entrepreneur.
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:And also pausing is definitely part of the progress.
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:I took a three month pause on my PhD and the renewed energy and focus that I found coming
out the other side has been, you know, changing for me in terms of how I'm approaching.
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:my study and research and actually other areas of my life.
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:You don't have to wait until you're not tired.
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:And this is something actually, when I think about the conversations I was having with
students on Monday, I was talking to them about personal academic tutoring and the fact
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:that don't wait until you've got a problem before you speak to a tutor.
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:And for you, this might look like don't wait until you're tired.
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:to make a plan about all those useful things you can do to build in a bit of rest or
break.
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:Perhaps don't wait until you're feeling burned out before you talk to somebody about it.
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:It's just really good advice, isn't it?
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:So if you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed or like your to-do list is definitely running
the show instead of you, that's exactly what I help my clients with.
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:And my online coaching bookings are open for April and May.
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:The new calendar seems to be working really well with folk who want to book in and work
through something specific.
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:And last month I worked with Amy.
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:She was struggling with a client and some boundaries.
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:And when I asked her for some feedback, she said, you just asked some questions which
helped me pinpoint what I was feeling.
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:And so it was much easier to figure out where to go from there.
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:And she said also that she thought she'd have to stop working with that client.
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:But she said that when last time I caught up with her, that that relationship is just
stronger now and it's more open and transparent.
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:So if you're a business owner, a coach or an entrepreneur who wants to work a bit smarter,
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:not just harder than get burnt out.
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:I'd love to help you move from busyness to aligned to meaningful progress.
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:So you can visit my website.
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:I'm at www.leilaainge.co.uk and you can book coaching sessions there or you can find out
more about my adult Inset Day session, which is a free way to work with me.
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:Thank you for listening to Psychologically Speaking.
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:And a reminder that if you are enjoying this season, so please rate, review and share the
podcast far and wide.
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:It really does help independent podcasters like me.
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:See you next time.
