42. The Psychology of Goal Setting: Flexibility, Identity & Belonging
Why do some goals stick while others fade?
In this episode, psychologist Leila Ainge explores the psychology behind effective goal-setting — blending insights from real conversations with three guests and research on motivation, social identity, and resilience.
You’ll hear how Rebecca, Jen, and Darren each navigate creative ambition, self-belief, and belonging, and how their stories reveal the deeper psychological forces shaping success.
Expect practical reflection points on:
- The difference between approach and avoidance motivation
- Why flexible four-week check-ins outperform rigid plans
- How your social identity shapes confidence and action
- What it means to design goals that fit who you’re becoming
This is your psychology-backed guide to setting goals that work with your identity, not against it.
Ready to stop guessing what’s driving your goals?
Download your free Goal Reflection Log — the first exercise from my psychology-backed coaching framework — and start your next check-in, not check-up.
Create space to think before the new year rush and design goals that actually fit who you’re becoming.
Transcript
Hi, I'm Leila Ainge, psychologist and researcher.
2
:Welcome back to Psychologically Speaking, a podcast all about human behaviour, bringing
together fascinating research insights and real life experiences.
3
:This season, we are exploring goals with you, the Psychologically Speaking pod listeners.
4
:If you've been listening along this season, you'll know that our goal setters will be back
throughout:
5
:as I've reflected on their stories together, what stands out for me isn't just what they
want to do, but the psychology behind why they want it.
6
:Each of them, Jen, Rebecca and Darren, show us a different kind of motivation at work.
7
:Rebecca's goal is to write a book and that's an approach goal.
8
:She's moving towards creativity, expression and into her identity as a writer.
9
:There's a small avoidance element there because she wants to avoid rejection.
10
:She wants to write something that's good enough.
11
:But her challenge then is learning to replace some of those protective things and the
procrastination with progress and to channel that cautious energy into those flexible
12
:actions.
13
:Jen's goal is approach based too.
14
:Hers is about integration.
15
:She's moving towards authenticity and reclaiming time and refining boundaries and valuing
herself.
16
:The tension might lie in some discomfort because she wants to step away from the guilt
about uh remuneration and saying no around boundaries of time.
17
:Her growth point here is then recognizing that boundaries aren't walls and rigid.
18
:They're really frameworks for care.
19
:Darren's goal blends both of those forces, approach and avoidance.
20
:He's approaching expansion and leadership, but avoiding overreach He calls his ideas
grandiose.
21
:And I would say that's an imposter experience that has perhaps keeping him safe and
something that he reflects on himself.
22
:His work then is to transform that doubt into discipline.
23
:And he's chosen a really
24
:interesting route of systems and structures and consistency to support that ambition
without shame.
25
:So together these three stories start to illustrate for us a full psychological spectrum.
26
:You know, we've got fear and desire and structure and freedom and ambition and rest.
27
:And I thought maybe that's a mirror for you too.
28
:Because most of our goals sit somewhere between what we're reaching for and what we're
running from.
29
:Psychologists call it the approach and avoidance conflict.
30
:And it's one of the reasons that goal setting can feel really exhausting sometimes.
31
:When the goal contains both push and pulls, so I want to write, but I don't want to fail,
our brain is going to hesitate because it's trying to move us into something exciting
32
:whilst also trying to protect us.
33
:So the antidote here is always not just willpower on its own, but curiosity.
34
:You know, we want to think about what is it that I'm truly trying to approach here and
what is it that I'm really trying to avoid and naming it.
35
:Once you see both sides of that, you can start to design your goals and invite that
movement in rather than expecting perfection.
36
:So there's a question of time, isn't there?
37
:I think we all love a fresh start, the blank page energy of January 1st.
38
:But I really like the fact that these three people have decided to get their goals started
straight away.
39
:And I think what we can see from those conversations is that defining a goal takes a bit
of time to tease out.
40
:It becomes something different, doesn't it, from being a single decision in your own head?
41
:to an evolving conversation when you have that with somebody else.
42
:And that's why I'm going to be initially checking in with our guests in the first four
weeks.
43
:I think what I'm wanting to get there is what's changed if anything, what is working and
what if anything needs a rethink.
44
:you can borrow this for your own resolutions.
45
:One of the main reasons that resolutions don't make it past February
46
:It's possibly because they're the wrong resolution in the first place.
47
:So here's what I would do.
48
:I define the direction rather than the destination.
49
:And this is looking at your goal as movement.
50
:So if we look at Rebecca, she's talking about building consistency, not repeatedly talking
about finishing a book.
51
:And if we look towards Darren, then again, he's looking at movement.
52
:And we discussed whether that movement was looking at doing something in a different
approach I would keep time scales short and very flexible at the start.
53
:A four week cycle at the start keeps your brain engaged and it's got a reduced pressure of
performance and permanence.
54
:I think thinking of things of a check-in rather than a check-up.
55
:because if accountability feels more like a reflection or a conversation and not a
reporting card, then you're going to judge yourself less harshly.
56
:Noticing patterns is probably the biggest tip that I could give you.
57
:Write down your goal, write down some of those fears, write down what's worked for you
well in the past and write down what hasn't worked well for you.
58
:Darren was very generous with exploring with us something that hadn't worked for him this
year and it helps us to think about discomfort and also what we're approaching and with
59
:what meaning.
60
:Psychologically, these small steps will help you maintain motivation.
61
:So that's defining your direction, keeping the time scale short, checking in rather than
checking up and noticing your own patterns.
62
:I think this is one of the threads connecting all of those stories.
63
:Jen's flexibility with boundaries, Rebecca's flexibility with time, and Darren's
flexibility with structure.
64
:Each of those shows that personal growth isn't going to come from doing more, but actually
from loosening the rules around how we do it.
65
:And if you start thinking about your own goals for the year ahead, try this.
66
:Set some things that excites you, but also give it some air to breathe.
67
:Let it change shape and let it teach you what you actually want.
68
:There is no single right way to reach your goal, but there is your way.
69
:And that's where the psychology gets super interesting.
70
:When psychologists, Edward Desi and Richard Ryan, first developed self-determination
theory, they found that what really sustains our motivation isn't external pressure or
71
:performance rewards.
72
:It's three psychological needs.
73
:And we've spoken about these in the previous season.
74
:So these are autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
75
:So the autonomy is that sense that I'm choosing this.
76
:The competence says, can make progress here.
77
:And the relatedness says, I don't have to do it alone.
78
:When all of those three needs are met, our goals stop feeling like chores and they become
more of an extension of who we are.
79
:So as you're listening here, ask yourself, does the goal that I've chosen feel chosen or
does it feel imposed?
80
:And again, you can think about that approach and avoidance sense of goals to...
81
:to kind of tease that out.
82
:Do you feel capable?
83
:And that's your way of noticing small wins of progress instead of just focusing straight
on the destination, isn't it?
84
:And I think in most of those conversations, I'd had with people around, well, who can we
look to for support?
85
:With Jen, I'd encouraged her to look outside of that yoga community.
86
:Rebecca to reach out to her support systems,
87
:identified those herself.
88
:And again, with Darren, you know, who is there that you can ask um research based
questions and how do you connect with other artists?
89
:The motivation that we've got inside us lasts a whole lot longer than some motivation
borrowed from a list or a framework in a book.
90
:So when we start to tap into those three things of autonomy,
91
:competence and relatedness, that's gonna keep us grounded for longer.
92
:The second idea I want to talk to you about is one that comes from goal adjustment theory.
93
:So this is the idea that people who can let go of unattainable goals
94
:and can re-engage with new ones, end up experiencing better wellbeing, lower stress and
healthier immune responses.
95
:So essentially, flexibility isn't flakiness and it's not failure.
96
:It's a form of resilience.
97
:So with all of those goals that we've heard so far, Rebecca will be practicing flexibility
with her writing, not just, I do this on a Sunday, but how can I do this in small parts
98
:each day?
99
:Jen will be looking at flexibility around some of those boundaries and Darren's
flexibility with his systems and sales and ways of doing things will echo that as well.
100
:They'll all be learning that the power of their goal doesn't come from holding it too
tightly, but from knowing when to pivot.
101
:So here's a reflection for you.
102
:Where in your goal might flexibility be the thing that keeps you moving?
103
:And what would happen if you treated that as evidence of strength rather than failure?
104
:A goal needs to be seen, I think, as a living, breathing thing.
105
:It's better when you give it a bit of space.
106
:So these theories kind of come into what I would call a reflective self-regulation.
107
:And the reason I'm doing that four-week check-in is not to test them, but to kind of
understand where their rhythm is and to get them thinking about reflection.
108
:Short cycles of reflection keep our motivation alive.
109
:So you can try this one too.
110
:If you take your goal, doesn't have to be a grand goal, but just write it down.
111
:You don't have to lock it in so firmly that it's so rigid, but I want you to give it a
month and then come back and say, what did I learn through trying to achieve this goal?
112
:Did it feel easy?
113
:Did it feel forced?
114
:And what might you change before your next reflection cycle?
115
:Four weeks is a really nice and neat way to start if you're not used to doing this.
116
:Across loads of longitudinal studies, researchers have found that people who balance
autonomy, flexibility and this kind of alignment are more likely to sustain effort.
117
:So they achieve more, but they feel more fulfilled through what they're achieving too.
118
:So autonomy is going to fuel your motivation, flexibility is going to sustain it and the
identity that you've got gives it all meaning.
119
:When these three things come together, your progress is going to be really personal.
120
:And that's where the grave starts to feel like joy.
121
:Let's talk about identity.
122
:Because in my own research on imposter phenomenon, I often draw on the work of
psychologists, Tashvell and Turner.
123
:And their social identity theory helps to explain why confidence and belonging are so
tightly connected.
124
:It shows that who we are is never built in isolation and that we define ourselves through
the groups that we belong to, our professions, our families, our communities, and
125
:by extension our online spaces.
126
:That sense of belonging doesn't just shape how we see each other's, but it also shapes how
we see ourselves.
127
:When our group memberships feel valued and supported, our confidence to pursue goals
grows.
128
:And when those identities feel threatened or invisible, we do shrink.
129
:So that's often what's happening beneath those imposter experiences.
130
:It's never
131
:really about a personal deficit but that kind of disconnect around the communities.
132
:When we begin to doubt our place in the groups that we identify with or if they don't
fully recognise us or reflect us that becomes really disjointed.
133
:So Tatchville and Turner they describe
134
:Social identity is part of ourself that comes from our group memberships, the we as much
as the I.
135
:And that's the invisible stuff of belonging, the professions, the roles, and the
communities that tell us who we are, and sometimes even who we're allowed to be.
136
:We can see this play out across our three goal setters.
137
:For Rebecca, her identity is going to shift.
138
:She's going to go from storyteller behind the scenes to what the one on the page and what
an exciting journey that's going to bring.
139
:That shift will bring her into new professional circles and that's going to test how
legitimate she will feel as a writer.
140
:For Darren, that belonging has already meant negotiating gatekeepers in a creative world
through clients and collaborators and industry communities.
141
:He's also been balancing these dual identities of being his own sales director and the
lead artist.
142
:So he'll be learning that credibility isn't something that has to be handed down.
143
:It's something that is created and you build.
144
:Then for Jen, her social identity as a nurture is both authentic and socially reinforced,
a role that's deeply valued.
145
:but it's also bounded by gendered expectations.
146
:So her work will be to carry that same empathy and care into her business model without
letting it become self-sacrifice.
147
:So each of those goals tells us that belonging is never static, is it?
148
:It's really negotiated and how we navigate contexts of inclusion and recognition and
legitimacy means that
149
:these things can be unevenly distributed.
150
:And how we negotiate that and the negotiation that we go through shapes how confidently we
can move towards our goals.
151
:So I want you to think about your own ambitions and goals and ask yourself which groups
and spaces are going to help you feel most seen in who you are going to become or who
152
:you're becoming.
153
:And where might you still be waiting for permission to belong?
154
:And sit with that.
155
:I think I come back to the idea of the goal is quite singular when it's in our head.
156
:It becomes something else when we have a conversation, but it becomes something entirely
different when we think of goals as being not just personal, but social.
157
:Because our goals live within these connected networks and communities that either open
doors or hold them shut.
158
:understanding what context you're in is really where the growth begins.
159
:If you've been listening and thinking I'd love to feel that kind of clarity about my own
goals, I've created something to help you begin.
160
:Head to www.leilaainge.co.uk forward slash coaching and download your goal reflection log.
161
:It's not a checklist, but it's something I do with my clients before we start shaping
strategy into action.
162
:So if you're serious about entering the new year with direction, confidence, and a
psychology back plan, this is where it starts.
163
:And when you're ready for deeper work, you'll find all the details of my one-to-one
sessions there too.
164
:That's all for today.
165
:I'm Leila Ainge and this is Psychologically Speaking.
166
:If you've enjoyed this season so far, share it with someone who's setting their own 2026
goal and maybe start your four-week check-ins together.
