Passion, Purpose, and Perseverance: My Journey through Self-Doubt
In this conversation, Leila Ainge discusses the importance of mental flexibility and resilience, particularly in the context of running and personal growth. She emphasizes the need to navigate self-doubt and challenges without succumbing to societal pressures for transformation. Leila advocates for starting from one's current position and using existing skills as a foundation for growth, rather than striving for a complete overhaul of oneself.
takeaways
- Flexibility of thinking is crucial for overcoming challenges.
- Mental resilience can be developed through activities like running.
- Self-doubt is a common experience, especially in a transformation-focused society.
- It's important to recognize the societal pressures on women regarding self-improvement.
- Transformation doesn't always mean complete change; start where you are.
- Using existing skills can serve as a springboard for growth.
- Staying in uncomfortable spaces can lead to clarity and understanding.
- Mind tricks can help maintain perspective during difficult tasks.
- The idea of transformation can often be misleading and burdensome.
- Practicing self-acceptance is a form of defiance against societal norms.
Transcript
Welcome to Psychologically Speaking.
2
:Hi, I'm Leila Ainge and this is a podcast and a blog all about human behaviour, bringing
together fascinating research insights and real life experiences.
3
:As a psychologist, I'll share how the spaces we live and work in shape who we are.
4
:The season we're diving into the fascinating gap between
5
:Intentions and actions, a liminal space where plans meet spontaneity and I've been
exploring what this reveals about our identity.
6
:February is a wonderfully short month and it's going to be light until 5.25 this evening.
7
:I've woken up excited to get stuck into the garden but I have neglected my sub-stack
readers for far too long and with good reason.
8
:I've got a new podcast season, a series of webinars in the works, PhD study and lots of
running.
9
:and we've had half term.
10
:I'm chasing joy this year though, can you tell?
11
:In my podcast series, I've been sharing how I've been following my own coaching advice in
pursuit of joy.
12
:And I've had a couple of realizations and moments that I'd love to share with you today.
13
:In the UK, we've just had half term, so...
14
:It's always a bit of a juggle, but we've just struck a balance of days off activity clubs,
gardening and messing around on swings.
15
:My little one is nine now, so I do miss that puddle splashing toddler time, but not the
tantrums.
16
:So this week it was just lovely to join in the fun and join him on a double swing at the
local forestry centre and mess around, especially as we're teetering on the edge of him
17
:being too old to admit he still loves this stuff.
18
:I've been wanting to get my joy of running back to rebuild both my long distance memory
and my physical stamina.
19
:I knew I was stuck and I was trying a scatter gun approach, setting different goals in an
attempt to get myself motivated again.
20
:And if you're a runner, you'll understand it's one of the weirdest things in the world
that you can...
21
:really enjoy running, but the thought of getting out there or putting one foot in front of
the other can feel so overwhelming sometimes that you just don't do it.
22
:But I had skipped over the real issue because I was jumping straight to solutions.
23
:Taking my own advice, I used reflection exercises to dig deeper and I realised what had
worked for me in the past.
24
:I need two vital ingredients in anything I do, peer support and variety.
25
:Before I reflected on it, I was pretty clear that the reason I'd stopped running as much
was because, and there's always a reason we stopped doing something we love.
26
:In my case, it was a house move, the pandemic, perimenopause.
27
:They were the key reasons I told myself were the problems.
28
:I felt less confident in running in a new area, and that was something that took me by
surprise and it just shifted my confidence.
29
:Then I started studying and I convinced myself that I was prioritising something else as a
hobby.
30
:My first reflection that I want to share is that running has never been just about the
physical act of putting one foot in front of the other.
31
:It's a resilience playground and I'd forgotten that, thinking I had outgrown it.
32
:And this realisation hit me last night while chatting to my friend.
33
:She's part of my running superior network.
34
:work and she mentioned a park run which involved laps and she wasn't thrilled with the
idea, I mean who is, but immediately I recalled something that had worked for me so I
35
:shared it and then the realisation came.
36
:Ask any long distance runner and they'll tell you that running is a mental game that
requires a toolkit of mental tricks whether you're on the open road, forest trail or
37
:treadmill with a banging playlist.
38
:The physical act of running is the same from mile one to mile 26, but resilience is built
in the weeks of bad runs and injury and it does something incredible to the way I approach
39
:all aspects of life when I run.
40
:This is something that sports psychology backs up.
41
:Running builds mental fitness and it enhances our emotional regulation, resilience and
cognitive function.
42
:These are all vital for mental wellbeing.
43
:And for me, running has always served as more than just a physical workout.
44
:It's been a mental one too.
45
:Running was one of the reasons I started my pursuit of joy this year, but my PhD has been
the main driver.
46
:I fell deeply out of love with my PhD in the autumn because I was frustrated and that
frustration was threatening me with what we call in the running world, a did not finish, a
47
:DNF.
48
:And I've never...
49
:DNF to run before.
50
:I failed to start many times, but I pride myself on finishing what I do start.
51
:But it came to self doubt and it rained down on me and I found myself in floods of tears
wondering if I was actually good enough to be the researcher I needed to be for a PhD.
52
:I haven't chosen the easiest PhD route of course.
53
:I'm self funding so...
54
:I'm working and the original idea is all mine.
55
:Entrepreneurs in online communities doesn't fit into a neat little box.
56
:It's social psychology, entrepreneurism, feminism and cyber all rolled into one.
57
:I was amused to read that this is conceptualised as topic blindness and it can lead to
feelings of frustration and isolation among researchers because we may struggle to find
58
:existing literature to support our work.
59
:It certainly feels familiar and it might go a little way to explain why I've hopped around
so much in this first year.
60
:My supervisors have their own expertise in occupational, social and qualitative research
and I kind of fit on the periphery or that's how I felt.
61
:But we're a team and these brilliant women are everything I'd hoped for in a PhD journey
but I couldn't believe in myself.
62
:Now...
63
:Mature students often face unique challenges, including balancing academic demands with
family and work responsibilities.
64
:And that does lead to increased stress and feelings of isolation.
65
:So one reflection that became a bigger problem than deciding which theoretical framework I
would pin all of my research to in the next five years.
66
:So I took a three month break.
67
:I told myself this was a pit stop on an ultra run.
68
:I kept in my mind that first ultra run I did on the South Downs, was Race to the Stones,
and my IT band was giving me trouble.
69
:My legs were just not cooperating at all.
70
:And I remember staring at a steep field ahead and wondering how the hell I would get up
there.
71
:I almost quit.
72
:I almost got on my phone and called my husband to say, come and get me.
73
:What am I doing?
74
:I can't do this.
75
:A fellow runner and a personal trainer saw me.
76
:They metaphorically picked me up and pushed me up that hill to the next pit stop.
77
:And once I got there, she gave me instructions to eat, got a support crew to apply pain
relief and showed me how to strap my leg up.
78
:She helped me reframe it as a setback.
79
:And once I'd eaten and the pain relief kicked in, I finished that ultra.
80
:So I told myself I was at my PhD pit stop.
81
:I need a different fuel to get through this because up until then I'd been throwing ideas
at the wall like jelly, trying to make sense of my PhD and getting absolutely nowhere.
82
:I was in jelly mode and it turns out that sometimes I do this because I want to skip to
the solution.
83
:I'm wonderfully impatient.
84
:So that's it.
85
:That's my main reflection.
86
:I think I've always known this about myself, but it took sitting and having that
87
:moment to really think why things were unraveling or why I felt so worried about my own
capability to get to the real problem rather than just jumping to the solution side of
88
:things.
89
:For the last few years then I've applied the jelly approach to running and I'll run more.
90
:I keep telling myself I'll set different targets, I'll be more consistent.
91
:And these all seemed like great ways to get back the joy of running.
92
:And they are valid strategies if you address the root cause.
93
:My problem was never about the distance or the location.
94
:It was the shift in support and variety over the years.
95
:Once I started sharing my running goals again, things began clicking into place.
96
:I need accountability, not a rigid plan.
97
:And it's frustrating to realize that because it's what I coach.
98
:I thought variety meant.
99
:I needed to run in different places to stay motivated.
100
:But I found that variety comes in running in different ways, on the treadmill, in the
forest, with friends or on my own.
101
:Some weeks this looks like running on a Sunday morning, other weeks it's squeezing in a
one-mile run in the middle of the day before hopping back onto a team's call with a
102
:beetroot face.
103
:I need flexibility.
104
:And actually there's some really interesting research about gym membership that showed
that...
105
:even if you incentivise people, like you pay them £5 per visit to go to the gym, those
people who were incentivised to go at the same time every day struggled more with keeping
106
:up that habit once the money incentive had gone than those people who were encouraged to
just go once but to choose the flexibility of when that happened.
107
:And it's because they became more resilient at not letting setbacks derail them.
108
:And that's quite interesting, isn't it?
109
:I think that's kind of what's happened to me with running in a way.
110
:I'd decided that I needed to do it in a certain or very specific way because I felt that I
needed more plan around what I was doing.
111
:But plans don't always equal joy and they don't always equal flexibility.
112
:So how has my finding my joy of running helped me leave that PhD pit stop with a smile on
my face and determination?
113
:Well, you know, I'm still getting there, but there's this idea of a broaden and build
theory in psychology.
114
:And psychologically speaking, it shows that experiencing positive emotions such as joy can
expand your perspective and build lasting personal resources.
115
:I'm flexing my mental muscles when I run because
116
:It's never easy.
117
:I'm using all of the tips and tricks in my ultra toolkit to keep one foot in front of the
other.
118
:But the greatest one is flexibility of thinking and moving myself out of the can or the
can't mindset, those fixed mindsets into the, is the bit where it's going to be hard but
119
:possible mindset.
120
:When my friend mentioned running those laps, I didn't say to her, you can do this.
121
:in a coachy way.
122
:Of course she can do it.
123
:I know she can run.
124
:But that wasn't the issue.
125
:That wasn't her issue.
126
:It was the thought of the boredom of laps.
127
:Instead, I went into my ultra running toolkit of mind tricks and pulled out a perspective
tip I probably got from reading runners' worlds.
128
:On lap one, look at the scenery on the left.
129
:On lap two, look at the scenery on the right.
130
:It's such a simple trick, but here's my reflection.
131
:Being a runner is about maintaining mental flexibility.
132
:It's about perspective and flexing those mental muscles.
133
:I had a great PhD supervision session yesterday.
134
:The theoretical problem is getting clearer and something clicked for me as I realised I
was caught between can and can't.
135
:I was throwing jelly at my PhD wall and at the PhD pit stop I paused between can and
can't.
136
:Even though it was a painful experience, it was a useful one because what running is
giving me at the moment is the mental strength to stay in this uncomfortable space while I
137
:figure out what I need and why.
138
:Now, is it raining self-doubt for you?
139
:Because the internet is drenched with transformation stories, befores and afters,
breakthroughs and makeovers.
140
:And my story today is a little bit of a transformation story in terms of how I've tackled
some of those mindset issues I've had.
141
:But that being said, I do think that we're often sold this idea that you need to
completely change.
142
:And research shows that the worst aspects of our society, our neoliberal society, put that
self-help burden back onto women.
143
:But I want you to start with where you are and what you have and use the wonderful skills,
ideas and identity you've always had, a bit like I've always had that knowledge that's
144
:come with running.
145
:And see it as a springboard.
146
:I see this as a foundational act of defiance, if you like, against transformation and
grow-up culture.
147
:And I'm practising this in my own journey too.
148
:So as the UK half term is coming to an end, now's the perfect time for you to invest in
yourself.
149
:And psychologically speaking, self-care isn't just a luxury, it's essential for your
wellbeing.
150
:I'm inviting you to join me for a free 45-minute webinar on Monday, the 24th of February
at 1pm.
151
:It's a chance for you to reconnect and recharge during your lunch break.
152
:cameras will be off so you can eat, you can turn up without make-up on, just be yourself.
153
:Research shows that taking time for yourself can be really transformative and the broaden
and build theory shows that when we experience positive emotion it helps build those
154
:lasting personal resources just like I'm finding.
155
:The session is designed for you if you are an entrepreneur, a creative or a professional
feeling overwhelmed or out of sync.
156
:You can expect some engaging exercises, join in or revisit them later, there'll be a
playback and some movement breaks within that 45 minutes to help you rediscover clarity,
157
:joy and self-connection.
158
:That's all from me today.
159
:I hope you've had time to listen to the podcast this season.
160
:If you haven't, I've had some interesting conversations with Katie Cope, who's a brand
strategist, but I've done shorter episodes as well on coaching and reflections and
161
:coaching prompts.
162
:There's also a wonderful interview with a couple of researchers in California who have
looked into body doubling.
163
:and the idea of lo-fi which is listening to lo-fi music to help you be productive and get
things done.
164
:Thanks for listening.
