Why Self-Love Isn’t About ‘Bouncing Back’ or ‘Fixing’ Yourself"
Transformation stories are everywhere—before-and-afters, glow-ups, success arcs. But what if real self-love isn’t about reinventing yourself—but about being present where you are, without pressure?
This episode unpacks how social media, self-help culture, and gendered resilience narratives push us toward self-optimization at the cost of self-acceptance. We explore the psychology of storytelling (McAdams, 2001), the feminist critique of the "bounce-backable woman" (Gill & Orgad, 2018), and why emotional smoothing shapes how we retell our past.
If you’re ready to stop waiting for the ‘perfect’ story and start sharing where you are, this one’s for you.
Connect with Leila online at www.leilaainge.co.uk and subscribe to her newsletter for psychological insights direct to your inbox. to sign up for the FREE Webinar, head to www.leilaainge.co.uk
Psychologically Speaking is produced by Buckers at Decibelle Creative / @decibelle_creative
Transcript
Welcome to Psychologically Speaking.
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:Hi, I'm Leela Ainge and this is a podcast and blog all about human behaviour, bringing
together fascinating research insights and real life experiences.
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:As a psychologist, I'll share how the spaces we live and work in shape who we are.
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:This season, we're diving into the fascinating gap between intentions and actions, a
liminal space where plans meet spontaneity and exploring what it reveals about our
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:identity.
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:What stories do you tell yourself?
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:Today, we're diving into something deeply personal and powerful, the stories we tell
ourselves and share with others and how they shape our identity, confidence, and even our
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:sense of meaning.
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:Arguably, we live in a world obsessed with transformation.
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:You only have to look at social media feeds to see how it serves as endless stories from
weight loss to business success, relation glow ups to house renovations, more on that
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:later.
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:But what if the most transformational thing you can actually do is an act of self-love?
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:And that's to be simply present with yourself as you are.
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:Psychologically speaking, research shows that we naturally construct life stories to make
sense of our past, present and our future.
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:And as social scientists, the language we use for metaphors and analogies is full of cues
about how we're making sense and meaning from the events in our life.
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:Now, these stories often fall into two categories on social media.
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:Redemption stories, so these are where hardship or adversity leads to growth and success.
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:And contamination stories, bit of a weird phrase, but that's where negativity overshadows
what was once good, it's contaminating the narrative.
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:And guess what?
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:Studies show that people who frame their lives with redemption narratives tend to have
better wellbeing.
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:and a stronger sense of purpose.
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:In the coaching space, we use this as a prompt.
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:So let me invite you to think of a moment in your life that felt like a setback.
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:How would you reframe it?
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:What's the positive moment hidden in that experience?
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:And as an alternative, think about that setback and think how you might frame that as a
negative thing.
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:Currently, I'm one of about 2.1 million people who follows an account on Instagram, which
is all about an abandoned home that is being renovated.
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:Although renovation might not be the right word, the property has been partly demolished
and rebuilt.
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:Don't get me wrong, I like to do a small amount of DIY.
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:I've got a really old house that needs a lot of attention.
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:But I have no real interest in 1970s architecture.
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:This house is in America.
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:They're using different tools, techniques, trades, and the house was built in a really
different way.
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:But I am hooked.
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:I'm hooked by the swing between the positive and negative story arcs.
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:Watching progress unfold.
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:And then seeing things take a dramatic sudden downturn, like when they were served a
notice to stop demolition.
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:And this isn't just personal preference, because this is how storytelling works.
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:The people using this account aren't just there to build a house.
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:They're clearly creating a narrative as a content creator and storyteller, and they know
what works.
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:They know how to hook us in.
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:Maybe.
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:You know someone who has told the same story a thousand times.
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:Perhaps they've embellished it over the years.
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:Crafting the punchline or key dramatic moment for maximum effect based on social cues and
reactions from friends and family.
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:In a very similar way, social media shapes our stories because it creates this weird and
wonderful and complex space.
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:where we're more likely to share what others have already liked, regardless of the
quality.
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:That's quite interesting, isn't it?
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:And I find it quite curious.
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:That research was done in 2020.
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:So what we do know is that what you do get served and what is successful doesn't
necessarily have to be perfect.
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:Hold on to that thought.
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:And algorithms?
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:Well, of course they shape our engagements in ways that we don't even realise.
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:from the subtle and the not so subtle, we've far less control over that aspect of social
media, but we do know, we're very aware as consumers that social media is orchestrated in
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:some ways.
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:One of my past podcast episodes, The Impostor Phenomenon, explored how social media
creates a context collapse where we struggle to define our audiences and we start second
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:guessing our own stories.
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:If you haven't listened to episodes one and two yet, I highly recommend checking those
out.
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:Research also shows that likes on posts really influence how quickly you might post again
and how successful you feel once you put a post out into social media.
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:In short, our online stories don't just reflect reality, they're starting to shape it.
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:So today's second coaching prompt sounds like this.
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:Where in your life are you holding back because you're waiting for the
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:Perfect story.
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:What if you shared something before you had it all figured out?
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:My brand of coaching is joyful and feminist inspired.
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:And one of the academic concepts that I find highly relatable is the gendered nature of
self-help.
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:Feminist scholars, Gill and Orgad, highlighted in 2018 how women are sold a narrative of
resilience.
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:What they call the amazing bounce backable woman.
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:What a brilliant journal title.
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:They found that
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:across magazines, self-help books and even wellness apps, women are encouraged to develop
what they describe as an elastic sense of resilience.
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:So one that allows them to recover, keep going and push forward, but often at the cost of
acknowledging imperfection, vulnerability or struggles.
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:And the problem with this?
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:Well, it's the idea of resilience that often ignores those structural inequalities.
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:It's marketed as an individualised practice, set of self-improvement behaviours that are
both voluntary pursued and also, I suppose, subtly imposed by other women and men.
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:When we focus too much on bouncing back, we then risk losing the chance to sit with
discomfort and truly process what's happening.
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:And I see parallels with this and the narratives around imposter.
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:being a syndrome, something for the individual to improve on, rather than the phenomenon
that it actually is, that comes from spaces that don't serve us as well as they should.
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:When it comes to storytelling, it's one of our most uniquely human traits.
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:Our ability to frame our experiences has a psychological benefit and this connects to
something I've spoken about before on my sub-step blog when I talked about nostalgia.
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:It's called emotional smoothing.
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:The way we retell stories, so for example, somebody who embellishes a story or somebody
who
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:moves the punchline, allows us to influence and to re-experience them.
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:In retelling, we smooth over often the rough edges, the lags, we find meaning and
sometimes we unintentionally might erase the complexity of our feelings for good reason,
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:perhaps that's something we need to move from.
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:But embracing that space in between, if we're talking about liminality, the difference
between our intention and taking action and that weird space where things are unresolved,
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:perhaps where we're sharing authentically is where we can be doing the real
transformation.
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:I hope that this has given you something to think about in terms of how you share your
stories because the motivation behind the narratives you use are okay to change and
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:rewrite if it's on your terms.
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:In this season of Psychologically Speaking, I've not only been sharing coaching prompts
with you, but I am taking my own coaching advice and sharing it.
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:I set myself a goal to run more consistently this year.
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:And last weekend, I ran my quickest part run since March 2020.
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:I was really chuffed with myself.
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:This success is down to applying some of those successful nudges I reflected on.
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:So if you remember, they were things like making it social and being flexible.
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:This week, my coaching advice is about showing up as you are.
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:And I did this through taking imperfect action.
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:I tested
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:Riverside's webinar and live streaming to YouTube.
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:It was a bit scary and I definitely wasn't ready but I asked for help to carry out a 10
minute test over my lunch hour and you know what?
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:It was powerful.
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:It met my need for connection with others rather than just relying on my own agency and it
was reciprocal.
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:People engaged, they responded but they got something valuable from it too.
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:My key reflections this week are
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:I focused on peer support rather than self doubt and I started where I was rather than
waiting for perfection.
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:Thanks for listening to Psychologically Speaking with me, Leela Ainge.
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:If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review and share it.
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:If you're an entrepreneur, creative or professional who feels busy but not always aligned,
I have a self-love invitation for you.
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:Join my free live streamed webinar, The Psychology of You, Align, Act, Achieve on January
the 24th, 1pm UK time.
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:No pressure.
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:Your camera won't be on, no transformation, just a space to meet yourself as you are.
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:Head to www.leelaange.co.uk to secure your space.
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:That's L-E-I-L-A-A-I-N-G-E.
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:Yes.
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:If you are listening to this episode after January the 24th, there will be details on my
website and show notes on how to access the replay link.
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:Speak soon.
